Yeah!
by 2M
Summary: Lavi decides to bring Sexy Back…to the Black Order choir. He then blackmails, begs, seduces and threatens the exorcist gang into joining him.
1. Chesire

**Yeah!**

**Summary:** Lavi decides to bring Sexy Back…to the Black Order choir. And other stories from the far side of the Black Order.

**A/N: **This was something written to amuse myself, but it is also a gift for my faithful subscribers. (By the way, I was formerly , but have now gone R2D2-y.) I wrote this story as a series of somewhat linear short spurts of text, like a series of vignettes all pointing at the same thing. It's more relaxed than the old baggage you can find in my account, the plot less driven by bizarre carnival acts.

* * *

It is a sign of Lavi's boundless optimism when he goes down grinning. He is still smiling when Kanda dropkicks him straight out of the window. In fact, the Cheshire smile remains there like a ghostly afterimage, the row of pearly whites shimmering in the air while it's owner took the plummet down seven stories of gothic architecture into presumably a bloody splatter on the rocky cliffs below. Allen has to rub his eyes a few times before the smile vanishes, "Shouldn't we rescue him?" he asks nervously.

"Have you ever tried to kill Lavi," Kanda replied with a resigned air, "He's like a cockroach, no matter how many times you kill him, he never stays dead."

"You mean, Zombie," Allen ran a finger through his white locks, "Might explain his constant death wish."

The two of them were about to leave it there when Lenalee lets out a shrill scream and begins sobbing uncontrollably.

"Lenalee!" Allen leans out the smashed window of see the Chinese girl crouched over what looks like a dead chicken. He paled, "Kanda? I think you actually killed Lavi."

"Bullshit."

"No seriously, look!" Allen dragged the Japanese man over.

"That's a dead chicken," the dark haired man replied in a monotone.

"It is Lavi!" Allen felt as if someone had put water into his packet of instant guilt and remorse, "I'm sorry, Lavi! I should have stopped him! I should have listened! I'll do anything! Anything!"

"Shut up!" Kanda grabbed the Brit by the lapels, in an attempt to stave off any lasting damages of Allen's stupidity, but it was too late.

"I'll do anything! _Kanda_ will do anything!"

It was Lenalee's laughter that tipped them off, her mirth rippling straight from hell, although she was only seven stories down.

"Shit." Kanda scanned the room for an escape route, "I knew he was doing her."

* * *

"Sorry guys," Lenalee neatly twirled her noodles into wooden chopsticks.

Allen continued beaming his best pitiful, picked on puppy expression in her general direction but the effect was greatly dampened by the sickening sight that is a fifteen year old boy inhaling Jerry's meatball special like there is no tomorrow.

"So how good exactly is the sex?" Kanda fumed.

"Kanda!" Allen squawked.

Lenalee daintily sucked up her noodles and, clearing her place, stood, "It wasn't really the sex, but the thought of seeing Kanda singing soprano." She gracefully ducked the ceramic projectile that came winging her way.

"I think he's more of an alto, love," Lavi draped an arm over Lenalee's shoulder.

Lenalee counted five seconds.

Straight on cue, there was a large crater where the redhead had stood mere nanoseconds ago.

"Life has been quite difficult since Komui installed those automated cannons," Lavi sighed, readjusting his eye patch, "It's made the sex a two."

"Will you shut up about the goddamn sex?" Allen shrieked, simultaneously trying to stuff food into his face and cover his ears.

"Damn you're good at this!" Lavi peered at his friend, "Can you pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time?"

"Shut-up!"

* * *

**A/N: **And cut. By the way, this isn't Lavi/Lena. This is more of a Lavi, Kanda and Lenalee mess with Allen's relative innocence. Drop by a review if you like. Love,


	2. Pope Optimistic II

**Yeah!**

**A/N: **Hey guys, I'm back… and so soon too. Here's chapter two.

* * *

I was Komui's fault. At least that was the consensus in the Order.

Truth to be told, blaming him was like blaming the local witch for the bubonic plague. Sure, his collection of dead rats most likely instigated the local outbreak, but in the end, all credit is due to the Powers that Be or the Pope.

In fact, if you looked at the book, there's a pope's name embossed on the cover. It was a proper noun, with the proper amount of roman numerals and a properly optimistic Greek translation. That was the first thing Lavi pointed out, how strange optimism was for a religion that worshipped death. Komui had glared and told him to shut up and start reading. To be fair to the Chinese man, he thought that it would be healthy for the redhead to read through the governing laws and bylaws of the Black Order, if only to see the margin passage hastily scrawled in red ink proclaiming that even vaguely flirting with my Lenalee was punishable by death.

Later, Komui would blame himself too, when Lavi began rattling off a list of restrictions that the Chinese man had forgotten to observe.

It was number fifty-six.

* * *

It wasn't that there wasn't a Black Order choir. It just was the farthest thing that a group of humans could get from a choir of angels.

* * *

"Yu," Lavi gestured elaborately with his silverware, "is one of those people who sings in the shower and is good at it." Allen briefly wondered how Lavi could make even eating ice cream look erotic.

"Not likely," Marie gestured for Lavi to lower his voice, "If he has, I would have heard of it." The unseeing man fingered the looped headphones.

"Okay, maybe he just has untapped potential," the Bookman in waiting licked chocolate sauce from his spoon, "When have I ever been wrong?"

"September 9, 18xx, assumed cliff was a small ledge. Six weeks hospitalized. October 22, 18xx, thought that they would let the princess of Spain elope with him. Twelve days in jail." the Bookman gazed at Lavi through a haze of pipe smoke, "Shall I continue?"

"Princess of Spain? Seriously?" Allen found new respect in his heart for the redhead, now that he was a confirmed gold digger, "I heard she's rich!" Gold coins glinted in his eyes.

"Gramps!" Lavi groaned, "Those are secret bookmen secrets! Did you put something in your pipe again?"

Marie chuckled gently, "A little humility would do you much good Lavi."

"No, seriously," spoon flailed, "Two minutes after I fell, a gaggle of Korean court ladies escaping from invaders, decided that it was a pretty good idea too and jumped. They're still picking pieces of them off the rocks."

Allen paled, feeling his seven helpings of Jerry's Meatball Special heading upstream.

"And had princess successfully eloped, the Inquisition would not have happened."

Marie decided that Lavi was a singularly terrifying individual.

"What happened to secret bookmen secrets, novice?" a perfect smoke ring sailed forth.

* * *

"Lavi?" Sunlight trails its fingers through her hair.

Truth be told, he's jealous of it.

Her fingers clicked, sharp, imperious, worried, four times, "Snap out of it!"

Jolt.

The daydream over, Lavi adjusts his eye patch, "Yeah, I hear you," he yawned for effect, "Panda demanded another all nighter. You're running low on coffee by the way."

She laughs.

"Yes honey, laugh at my exquisite misery," he worked out the kinks, "Anyway, how good are you at crying on cue?"

"Is there a chance that the plan you're hatching is illegal?" she shot back, casually.

"Actually, it's about as legal as you can get in this godforsaken place, ask the Pope," he grins impishly, "But if you want to get illegal…"

"No."

"Damn."

* * *

To give a good idea of how bad they sounded, the main soprano was the Head Nurse. Miranda had been shanghaied into providing a quavery alto and Reever was the single male member, and had signed his life over to the choir while phased out after being injected with a nearly lethal dose of a hundred milligrams of morphine for experimentational purposes.

Needless to say, their jazz hands were quite the display of failure.

* * *

**A/N: **Mm, this chapter was weird… I promise the next one will be more fun. It'll have to do with Allen and will be up in a few days or so. Drop a review if you love me, 2M.


	3. About that Boy

**Yeah!**

**A/N: **Hey, I'm back with a long chapter. Look out for lots of British-ness in this chapter. (okay, lots of _fake,_ Lavi British-ness.) But damn, this chapter is really, really long, at least for this story.

* * *

Kanda grudgingly took care of Allen.

Sort of.

He was the type of guardian who wouldn't care if his charge drowned and would most cheerfully help the process, but he also has honor, bushido, you know, _Last Samurai _stuff. So, when the beansprout swore him into the service of the devil Lavi, he obeyed, if only after chocking the little idiot a bit.

Because he was willing to go to any kind of torture if this was true.

He already had.

If the white haired Brit was seriously going to grant the only thing that Kanda Yu had ever asked for _politely_, well…

But it was all the pity he was such an idiot.

* * *

Allen supposed he had a bit of a crush on Lavi. Whenever the redhead spoke, he felt an aching need to impress but all his witty retorts would take a long extended leave, leaving him floundering for words. So, he'd blush, and mumble, making himself even more goddamn shy and effeminate. Then Lenalee, his angel, would quickly step into the conversation and provide the adequate clipboard thwacks and sharp edged retorts.

He wanted to impress though, dammit, he wanted to impress so badly that he was willingly to resort to the same level of crudeness that made Lavi the subject of gossip among all the eligible ladies within five miles of Headquarters.

Lavi grinned, but Lenalee…

"You're making him _un-cute_!" Lenalee glowered at Lavi.

"Why the hell would you want our child to be cute?" the redhead demanded, "He'll get bullied and have his lunch money taken. He'll be freaking consigned to the drama club to sacrifice his manhood to wear spandex and single ladies dance in eighties themed variety shows! You can't be telling me you want to send him off to that kind of life! Do you?"

Lenalee grabbed Allen by the arm, "Have you seen how buff this kid is?" Allen blushed and attempted to pull always. "He does gravity defying pushups! He would wipe the floor with bullies and the girls would love him!"  
Lavi stood too and grabbed Allen's other arm, "Not in the right way they wouldn't! Have you _seen_ his relationship with Road? That goddamn girl would make him her own personal dress up Barbie!"

"Uh!" Allen tried to force his throat to work. Goddamn! Where the hell was his courage when he needed it?

Lenalee jerked.

Lavi yanked.

Back and forth like a twisted game of tug of war between two hungry pumas, a single piece of British meat strung between them.

Allen grimaced and words forced themselves out, "Stop dragging me into your matrimonial troubles! I have nothing to do with your mid-life crisis!"

There is complete silence so pure that Allen finds himself choking on his words. They came out wrong! Why does all his aggression only work on the select few in this twisted carnival?

"I believe he called us old."

"Quite right."

The white haired boy paled.

* * *

Kanda didn't exactly see them coming down the hall as hear them, the clear voice of Lavi bouncing loudly off the walls, the mumbling of Allen's complaining. He winced, one thing to another. The black haired man sighed, too tired and beaten down to run, which he should have done, all this because he hadn't gotten his meditation fix.

The problem with meditation is that Lenalee had too many problems. They would spend five minutes in silence while the Chinese girl got positively blue in the face trying to not speak and then a tumble of words would fall out. After that, there was no stopping her, but then, it didn't even matter if Kanda was there or not. All the Japanese man had to do was mumble something about the bathroom and sprint out the door. He has returned hours later to find her still patiently explaining her situation to the patch of air that he had earlier inhabited. He wondered if she was suffering from dementia.

He was wrong, by the way.

Then they turned the corner, Lavi fiendishly urging Allen on, astride the British boy on a piggyback ride from hell while waving a cane, and all thoughts of Lenalee flew from his head. A stupid decision as it turned out, but it did save his life for the time being.

"Yu! How lovely it is to see you, my old chap, old man!" Lavi cried cheerfully in an obviously fake British accent.

"You're doing it wrong," Allen hissed.

"Whatever," Lavi waved his hand vaguely before nimbly hopping off Allen and giving Kanda a big hug, "Have I told you how much I missed you, old chap?"

"Mugen!"

The redhead found himself lying by the sideline a short while later with six broken ribs and a fractured collarbone, a goopy substance trickling from his wounds.

"Lavi!" Allen tearfully ran to the redhead's side.

"A-A-Allen," Lavi whispered, "t-t-t-take c-c-c-care of yourself… don't…." his head lolled back dramatically.

Allen stood on the verge of crying, "How could you Kanda?" he demanded, "I'll NEVER FORGIVE YOU KANDA!" He started sprinting at the Japanese man, his uniform stained with Lavi's fake blood.

Kanda's last thought before the two of them tumbled out the window; was that he hated suicidal people. Hated.

* * *

Lenalee walked out of Kanda's room, to find Lavi leaning against the wall outside, "Where are they?"  
"Possibly dead," the redhead yawned.

"Aw, look at how much you care for your friends," Lenalee rolled her eyes, "You, are not coming to _my_ funeral." And he wasn't, solely because he'd sing Disney songs and single ladies dance on her coffin.

"Ah, here they come," the two of them watched as Allen and Kanda came sprinting down the hall.

* * *

Through this experience, Allen had gained a deeply spiritual understanding of why there had been no ketchup in the cafeteria this morning. "You could have used corn syrup and red dye, like normal people!" he glared at Lavi, completely ignoring the irony of his last statement, "But nooooo, you had to use the Ketchup! The goddamn Ketchup!"

"Woah," Lavi held his hands up, "It's just a little ketchup!"

"There aren't many things in this world that make me happy," Allen hissed, "To deprive me of one of the joys of my life… too cruel… too cruel."

Kanda wondered why the Ketchup seemed more important to the white haired boy than Lavi's faked death. The Japanese man shrugged and entered his room, too wet and tired to care.

Five seconds later, what seemed like a roar echoed throughout the Order.

* * *

"When taming a tiger, you have to psychologically suppress them, and show dominance," Lavi stated.

"With air freshener?"

"Oh no, we just let the cleaning lady in while Kanda was gone."

* * *

**A/N:** Kanda doesn't like the cleaning lady. He scares her away every time she tries to do her job. Anyway, if you're confused, basically, Lavi's is trying to drive Kanda into a psychological corner so he can better manipulate him. Oh and here's your third Allen/food reference, Kuro. And to my friend, free luv, I don't think I've gotten better at punch lines, considering that they really suck this chapter.

Love, 2m


	4. Visitation

**Yeah!**

**A/N: **One thing you will learn about Lavi is that, whenever he plans to do something, he chooses the most convoluted, roundabout way to accomplish his task, just because it's more fun that way. He's all about the journey, not the destination, so if some things don't make sense or are pointless, blame him (not the author for basically trying to look busy and entertain herself.)

* * *

The only person who still believed that the Black Order choir was any good was the Head Nurse. There also wasn't anyone _deafer_ than the Head Nurse at the Black Order. She was so deaf that her hearing aids had hearing aids. That is, if she chose to wear them, but as the amount of her pride varied directly with her age, she generally refused to wear them. To this day, she still thought that last year's Christmas pageant was a success.

No one was looking forward to this year's. No one ever wanted to go to the Christmas pageant in the first place, except the Head Nurse's stranglehold was still as strong as ever, even while her hearing deteriorated.

Christmas was a miserable affair.

* * *

"Well, Kanda," Lenalee shrugged, "you can't deny that it smelled like someone had died in here."

Kanda glared, "It was a manly smell!"

At this point, Lavi choked and was incapable of anything past incoherent babbling as he attempted not to laugh.

"So that's why you've never had a girlfriend!" Allen snapped his fingers mockingly, "And here I thought that with your charming personality, no girl in her right mind would pass you up."

The Japanese man glared daggers, "That doesn't fucking mean my fucking room has to fucking feel like a fucking field of fucking flowers."

Lavi's eye widened, not five minutes with the air freshener, and Kanda's already waxing poetic, "Bravo on the spiffy alliteration, Yu!"

"Shut up!"

"But that doesn't really explain why all the furniture is gone though," Allen pokes his head into the room.

"Kanda doesn't do furniture," Lenalee nods sagely.

"We did take his Beauty and the Beast reference," the redhead points out cheerfully, "leave it to Mr. Manly Smell to keep flowers in his room. Even if it is wilting."

It was true, while the cleaning lady had aired out the room as best as she could, Lenalee had absconded into the night with the floral arrangement that the Japanese man had kept in a glass case.

"Yeah," Lenalee pipes in, "What is with the flower anyway? You're like one of those girls who keeps the first flower their boyfriend gives them until it dries into a crisp!"

The thing about swinging a sword around the Black Order is that no matter how wildly you swung, there was always a hundred and twenty percent chance of hitting an enemy. Kanda often found that even when standing quite alone, he could usually find something worth slicing to bits.

The Black Order building is teeming with evil.

* * *

The Head Nurse wondered if the young exorcists had an affinity for being in the infirmary, since she could consistently find them checking into the sick bay every two weeks or so. Of course, Lavi generally wandered in every week to bring her flowers, with an affected debonair, although they both very well knew that he was in to flirt with the nurses. It came to the point where she never even believed that Lavi was in the infirmary for actual medical care, even with fatal looking sword wounds he was now sporting. She snorted disdainfully when nurses lit down like flies and he painfully cracked open his eye to flirt. When she demanded that he leave, he pointed at the gash in his chest with defiant pride. So, she threatened to break his hand.

"You're just like Kanda!" the redhead glared at her.

"Shut-up and get rest!"

In fact, it wasn't until Lenalee was carried in on a stretcher sporting similar wounds, her brother hovering around her like a satellite, could the Head Nurse finally bring herself to admitting that Lavi's injuries weren't a farce.

"Hey! Head Nurse!" Lavi's exuberant voice was matched by his energetic ringing of the call button.

A pen broke in her hand. Head Nurse briefly entertained the idea of wrapping the long chord around the redhead's neck. She selected another pen and continued writing.

"Just to let you know," Bookman Junior continued cheerfully, as if she had rushed to his bedside, "I ordered some things brought up here to amuse me while I'm recuperating," he smiled and gave her the thumbs up.

She tried really hard to ignore him, she really did, but by the time the elephant was levered through the window, she couldn't ignore it any longer. Head Nurse stormed over to give the redhead a good dressing down, not noticing when the patient in the next bed, winking at the redhead from behind austere woman's back, leaned smoothly forward and clipped ring of keys from Head Nurse's belt. Lenalee grinned and, dangling the keys, kicked her innocence in gear, shooting out of the infirmary at light speed.

Lavi gave her afterimage a thumbs up and was roughly boxed in the ear by the Head Nurse.

* * *

Since so many attempts at ransacking the choir room in an attempt to prevent another Christmas show, which have been known to destroy a person's will to live, Head Nurse had taken up locking the room up with steel keys only she possessed and had sung the Science Department into making it impregnable.

_She_ believed that it was the power of the Sound of Music.

_They _believed that she was even more sadistic than Komui.

* * *

**A/N: **Hey lovelies, I'm back! And I've done it, I've finally tried to get a collaborative fanfic project off the ground. Take a look: **.net/forum/Project_DGrayman/60545/** and come join!

If you love me (or are interested in joining the project), drop a review, 2m.


End file.
